"Only one slice of pepperoni Father Louie?" the zitheaded clerk asked.
"Just Louie right now," Louie said as he loosened his collar. He had
forgotten to remove it after that evening's sermon. "I'm trying to ease
up on the grease, Kurt."
Kurt snickered, "But it would mean that you'd meet God all the much sooner if you had the extra slice.."
Listen here you little shit, Louie wanted to say, but he
held back. The last thing he needed to do as a new pastor in the city
would be to start his own rumors.
Louie is a child rapist!
Louie is fat!
Louie is just, well, kinda weird.
"Well, Kurt, doesn't mean I don't want to enjoy the life the Lord gave me first before I do meet him, don't I?"
Kurt paused a moment. "So, you do want the extra slice?"
Louie sighed. He had decided to allow himself 5 publicly spoken cuss
words a year, and he was about to spend his first one. It was January
3rd.
"Fuck off pizza-face," Louie said as he slapped $2 onto the counter.
The surprised look was well worth the first use of the cuss word. Louie
smiled as he turned away, lifting the greasy slice of pizza to his
mouth. He exited the small pizza parlor, wanting to look back and
cherish the look on the face of Kurt, but he felt it'd look cooler if he
just continued to walk out.
His small apartment was a few blocks away. It'd take him 30 minutes
to arrive if he followed the streets, but he knew it'd only take him 15
if he just cut through the alleyways. It was well worth it to him; he'd
avoid the bustling traffic of the city and the noisy pedestrians walking
to and fro chattering on their new smart phones to their "bae".
Definitely well worth it.
Louie was down to the crust of the pizza when he arrived at the last
alleyway separating him and his apartment. There were a few dumpsters
lined against the brick walls of the neighboring apartment building and
Louie had to make the quick decision of whether to stuff the pizza crust
down his gullet or lose what was left of his appetite when he inhales
the rotten odors emanating from the trash bins.
He decided to compromise by taking the pizza crust and biting off half and throwing the rest to the side. Father, that is littering, but he shrugged. That rats had to eat too.
A hand shot out from the side of the dumpster and grabbed onto
Louie's pant leg, nearly causing him to choke on the chewed up crust in
his mouth. He gagged on the crust, leaned forward, and vomited all over
the person who had been sitting behind the dumpster.
"Jesus fuck!" Louie sputtered as he finally recomposed himself. He took
several breaths and wiped the tears from his eyes, the taste
of pizza mixed with stomach acid still on his tongue. "I'm so sorry, I-
And Louie froze as he saw that what he thought was a bum was actually
what appeared to be a bum, but with bright red horns protruding from
his forehead. He was laying face first in the moist muck that was now
mixing with freshly chewed mozzarella.
Louie went rigid, wondering if Kurt had somehow managed to slip LSD
onto the pizza without him noticing. The thought was pushed aside when
the bum with horns tugged at his pant leg again.
"Hey," the bum muttered, "can you help me?"
Louie blinked his eyes several times, wishing that the horns would
disappear with each blink. But they remained. He blinked some more, but
it helped none.
"Uhh, I, uhh, you have, ehh," Louie stuttered.
The bum reached up to his head, grasping hold of one of his own
horns. He turned his head to the side, laying his cheek into the vomit.
He let out a slow wheezing sigh, "I'm already losing form. Please,
I need you to help me."
Louie would have vomited again if he hadn't already done so. He took a
few moments to assess the situation. It would've been easier to have
just kicked the bum in the face and run off to his apartment, but there
would possibly be consequences for kicking a demon in the face. Louie
decided it was best to just be honest.
"I'm a fucking priest!" Louie slightly yelled in a weak attempt to
assert dominance. He figured his best plan of offense would to be to
quickly show that he was in power.
"I don't care," the bum said in between coughs. Each inhale had to have been mixed with fumes of Louie's vomit.
"I, uhh, but, there's the whole thing, with like," Louie stammered.
"Just help me, please, I don't harm anyone," the bum said.
Louie looked around the alleyway, hoping to God that there was
someone else watching, someone else to help share this ridiculous
burden, but there were was no one to be found.
"How do I know you're not going to just gut me or something,
something demons do, I dunno what you guys do, but it couldn't be good
for people like me, ya know?"
"You won't know, but you have my word, I won't do anything," the bum spoke, his voice now beginning to crack.
"Yeah, you know, I watch the movies, I know how these things go. I'm
going to help you, and you'll do demon things to me," Louie said, now
becoming agitated. Out of all the people in the world he would be the one to end up having an encounter with a demon.
"Then just walk away, someone else will probably come by," the bum muttered. He let go of Louie's pant leg.
Louie sighed. "Look, I wouldn't even know how to help you."
"Just go," the bum said, slapping at Louie's leg, "just go, someone
else will come. Someone else more capable of wearing that damn collar
than you."
The words stung at Louie like a flurry of wasps that were claiming
territory on his chest. "Shit, I'm going to regret this," Louie spoke as
he knelt down and grabbed a hold of the bum's frail arm. He grunted as
he picked up the bum into a kneeling position, placed the bum's arm over
his shoulder, and they stood up. "But if you do gut me or some sick
shit like that, at least I know I'll be going to the pearly gates."
"I guess, that's a good way to look at it," the bum sputtered.
The two made their way to Louie's apartment.
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